Scandalon : Running from Shame and Finding God's Scandalous Love by Susan Elaine Jenkins

Author:Susan Elaine Jenkins [Jenkins, Susan Elaine]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Cladach Publishing
Published: 2011-08-15T23:00:00+00:00

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In times of unbearable pain, fear not; I am with you.

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Once behind the locked and heavy doors of his office, John eased himself onto one of the two full-length couches, wiping the sweat from his face—even on this cool day with the sky filled with tall clouds, he was nervous.

He said, tremblingly, “Mind if I lie down, Susan? I’ve been under so much stress. . . . . Just look at my hands shaking.”

They were indeed shaking. And they felt cold and clammy as he reached for mine. He pulled me into a kneeling position beside him on the floor, one I would become very accustomed to over the next three months. I remember thinking how strong he actually was—and how this physical strength, this sure and steady grasp was—in direct contradiction to his frequent references in and out of the pulpit to his weak health and susceptibility to illness.

He said, “I have a headache. I’ve been working too much again. This always happens when I don’t take time for rest.”

I suggested he close his eyes, then I clambered up to close the blinds.

He brightened at that idea. “Good thinking.”

After darkening the room, I returned to his side, still unsuspecting of what would happen next. Opening his eyes, he looked at me intensely for a long time. It was almost as if he was trying to hypnotize me. I couldn’t pull my eyes away from his gaze.

“Gorgeous Susan. That’s my special word for you, you know. Do you remember that?”

I muttered something. I hated it when he called me gorgeous, a word I used to describe my beautiful mother. I knew I definitely was not the gorgeous one in my family.

“I remember. Yes, John. Now try to rest.”

He suddenly raised his head close to mine. “Could I kiss you?” Without waiting for a response, he pressed his mouth hard against mine and I remember thinking, This is not what I want. I don’t like this. I don’t want this.

What happened next was what had happened with over fourteen women, later estimated at twenty-two women, I would discover. And it happened to me time and time again over the next few months, a few times each week. There was never a need for me to get undressed myself—it was all about John and his needs. I was coerced and manipulated into a darkened office, doing it for this needy man who was strong in all the ways he needed to be.

When it was over, he suddenly had more than enough energy and strength. He jumped up and reached for the telephone while I held a tissue to my mouth and waited awkwardly in front of his desk, wondering what to do.

He was talking to someone, but waved me aside, motioning to me that I should once again use the back door. I waited, though, until he was finished with his phone call.

There was a slight harshness in his tone. “Look, Susan, I’d love to chat for hours, but I have so much work to do.

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